i just need space to let it out


late for work again
reached office at 0915
late night sleeps are so not healthy i tell you
i need more sleep
heh

tuition agency called and made my morning such a beautiful one
scoldings and humiliation
i can say im utterly amazed at their supergood limited english with that unique slang
where they go arlow instead of hello 
im so surprised how i can remain so quiet and peaceful after all that
i guess its the anger management in me
wait
but on second thought
i think i will account the reason to be that i see that as a joke
i gave them a piece of my mind too
in a sacarstic way
typical but im loving it
yeah
fuck off
you all these filipino maids
go scrub some floors and wash some toilets
when you get your asses back in your country
dont try to be fierce and go around threatening people
when you know you're not doing it well
go do something you bitches are good at
perhaps get some hands on you around geylang area
its easy money 
and you get your desires satisfied 
killing two birds with one stone
c'mon
say yeah!

oh and please fucking pronounce bitch
with that b sound and end off with the h accent
practise well and make it sound right
if you wanna use that on people
im so sorry but i'd tried hard figuring what you'd been screaming at me for the past like 30 mins?
make it clear next time perhaps
oh and you sluts operating a tutition agency isnt it
go get yourself a tutor then
set a good example
cause you tramps are fucking losers who cant speak proper english
oh, focus more on vocabulary alright
stop filling the whole conversations with 
ahh you slut
you're stupid
you're a bitch
very sorry but
you aint intimidating me with your words
but rather
im just surprised by how limited your bank of vocab is
when you maids had been running an agency for such a long period of time
opps
too hurting?
im sorry
really
cant take it?
fuck off then

mom uber pissed off 
i cant wait to see how she's gonna fuck them up tonight
they die!
hurhur

baby
you sound so damn cute in your smses
'need gangs or what let me know, i go call'
you made me feel so protected so loved so safe with your smses
and baby
thanks for brightening my morning with your that long long uber sweet sms
yeah
its somewhere in my inbox
aint gonna delete it (:
and you're like asking me to go take my lunch now 
im so loving you honey

thou feeling that tiny weeny bit of affection by their humiliation
i still find its kind of funny 
cause of their oh-so-perfect english
cant stop smiling at the thought of it

besides
i feel great and happy
knowing that people around care for me
many love!

alrights
thats all
lunch now people!

bbbbbbbbaaaccckkkk from the long weekend. 

spent the whole of my weekend with boyfriend. friday was movie with garyson, guoyao and boyfriend. pirates! show wasnt that bad just that its 3 long hours. i find myself dozing off on boyfriend's shoulder many times but always waking up to tell myself i dint spent 9 bucks just to sleep in that sofa. though its kind of comfy. heh. 

boyfriend stayed for the night and we slept till like 1pm the next day. made sushi with big brother a while later and then met up with guoyao, kah hee, garyson, wei hong and xilin. went down marina south to CS for the very first time and i can say im loving it then off we go, to fishing at tanjong rhu. as usual, i fell asleep while they fished so boyfriend walked me to the car and asked me to catch a wink. but apparently, i slept all the way till they finished fishing. hur.

slept till like 2pm the next day. watched big brother played game for a little while and i fell asleep, again, on the sofa. was sleeping till boyfriend wakes me up. haha. gawd lah. i just keep sleeping and sleeping. accompanied him back to his place and stayed over his place for that night. BUT, before that, we CS again! heh. with the usual people. heh heh. (((:

woke up around 1pm the next day and i realised its too late to meet carol for lunch. sorry carol! went down TP to collect my cert then back home, wash up then went to meet yewjin again. slacked at his place till the time he gotta book in. its nice just spending time with him. oh, and i played balloon with pearl! heh. she's so cute! haha. she actually gave yewjin a toy banana while we are having our dinner. so sweet of her right! lol.

its just so nice having holidays and not having to work and all. i gotta really drag my ass out from my bed this morning. but boyfriend make my morning lovely by giving me a morning call before he start his long long day. heh. im totally not in the mood to work today. sigh.

im so tired. im always tired despite how many hours of sleep i have. maybe its the thoughts i have in my mind constantly, even when im sleeping. i just cant stop thinking and worrying for a sec. i totally understand the situation but sadly, there's nothing i can do to make it a better one. i feel damn helpless lost and wadsoever. im just so tired.

ahhh. alrights. back to work.

wednesday night was spent with *carol, tim, mark, boyfriend and his friends. i swear i will never want to club on public holidays or on the eve of public holidays. you totally got sandwiched and pushed around by people, worse still, get elbowed by people. carol, i promise i will elbow the man back for you next time we see him again alrights. ((:

for certain reasons or so, i din really enjoyed myself that night. well well. certain things are better left unsaid. yeah. but still, million thanks to mark and tim for staying with me throughout the night though i know you guys really want to go to 54. 

mom was pretty surprised that we woke up early the next morning despite reaching home at around 5 in the morning. had lunch and went back to sleep again later in the afternoon. i was rather disapointed at how things did not turn out where it should be or it can may. i spent the whole vesak day at home. yeah. and now that sip had started and for a dont-really-like-to-stay-home person like me, its kind of saddening to actually stay home during public holiday. and if im not wrong, thats actually the last public holiday in the whole of the remaining sip days. sigh. all i hope now is that my weekends turn out fine.

im just so sick of what im gong through now. it just aint what i want. life's a dick.

life's really contridicting,
lies which can fucking hurt people
can too, on the other hand,
make the world a better one.
and people,
knowing that certain lies are better kept the way they are
still choose to uncover what lies behind the ugly lies
and get fucking hurt in the end.

and i'm the people that will rather choose to know what lies behind the ugly lies. quit telling me that ignorance is bliss cause i account that to avoiding. and if you think im that sort that will start yelling and screaming at you if you lie to me, all i gotta say is think twice honey. i will never do that. honeyed words and sorrys will never always work. cause end of the day, i just want to hear the truth i'd already know. 

you know i''ll always love you.

alrights. gotta go back to work.

baby..
can you feel that im losing hope losing faith and losing the love
and soon, ill find myself losing you
and what we will get in the end is just
a sad ending for such a sweet and beautiful relationship we have.

do you know i still love you so very much my boy.
all i want is just you loving me again
but you just dont get it and feel it
im really upset about it.



can you make feel loved again
cause thats all i need, my boy.

What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.

What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.
After you do, he'll never phone you.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.

Don't tell me what is all about,
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out,
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you

What do you get when you fall in love?
You get enough tears to fill an ocean
That's what you get for your devotion.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow.
So, for at least until tomorrow,
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.
-

you were all so sweet towards me
you make me feel so loved so cherished so pampered
yet on the other hand
so confused and fearful
confused at why its only now you are what you are
and fearful at whether this will be just for a while
cause i dont want to live
thinking when will all these come to an end
then its so sudden that the sweet loving you had gone
all things are slapped back at me just at the snap of the fingers
its no longer lovely
im no longer cherished
in the end
you're just what you are
and see why 
right from the start
i wanted things to be normal and 
you to be you
so that there will be no one day where
i will be feeling what i am feeling now



do you even know what's on my mind
how do i  feel on the inside
why am i reacting this way
i know you'll never know
cause you will never be me

i was filling up my student log book and i realised its another 8 more weeks to end of sip. hell yeah! after which im so gonna party hard and enjoy life. (((: pc, carol, xufei, tim, isaac, ivan, mark, john, mattew. are you guys ready! lol. we will so gonna love what we will be doing!(((: so, to be exact, its another 40 days. heh. jiayous lo people!(((:

its only like 5 pm now and im done with my work. i gotta like occupy myself for another hr today, 8 hours tomorrow, 8 hours on friday and 8 more hours on monday. thank god thursday's public holiday. heh. and holiday means no work and play time.(((: clubbing on wed with polymates and boyfriend. franster maybe? meeting up with childhood bestie on sunday! its been like how many donkey elephant years since the last meet up. hurhur. and jiemei, if you're reading this, please decide where to meet up okays? love love.(((:

im feeling really strange these days. i cant tear when im really sad and i cant smile when im happy. wait. am i even happy at the start. i cant tell. hur. how sad life can be huh. piled up feelings hurting truths ugly lies random thoughts blah blah blah. they just make me numb. hyprocrites backstabbers hideous liars shamless sluts whores bitches tramps flirtatious guys nolife immature players. get a life o'rights. stop going around ruining people's life. its fucking irritating. so please jolly well fuck off, losers. 

on a random note, i have so many movies i want to watch. like pirates of the carribean, blades of glory, next, shrek 3 blah blah yada yada and i have so much things i want to do. sip is seriously seriously seriously sucha trouble. i loathe it big big big time. argh. 

o'wells. i guess i shall go think of ways to occupy the rest of my time and to find some random jokes to laugh at when CHEU's away for his exam.

though things may not be the same as before
though its not 100% i am in your heart
though im really hurt for some things that had happened
but something always stay and never changes
and thats the love i have for you baby,
i still love you very much my boy.



im broken inside and nobody knows why.

its monday and its the start of the hectic work week again. had abit of time so i thought i should blog after four long days.

so, to keep track of my expenses, i did a calculation on my spendings last night. and guess what, i realised i'd actually spent an amount near to 500 in the past four days. lucky i managed to curb my desires for certain items or i guess i'll end up spending like near to a thousand or something and thats not very healthy cause you'll never know what awaits you when mom updates your bank book. hur.

but im really a happy girl on thursday and friday. yeah.

dhl award ceremony went pretty smooth and successful. cept that i was feeling really nervous at the start because i have my two loved ones looking at me walking up the stage. and because i was way too nervous, i hurried up the stairs and followed the one infront of me so tightly that the usher had to actually tell me to stop proceeding. that was kind of funny too me. on a last note, i think i walked like a duck. hur. who cares. i hate heels. though they give an impression of longer legs. im happy with mine. maybe. heh. 

i think mom's getting more understanding nowadays and that really makes me happy.(: knowing that boyfriend and i are heading out late at night on saturday and knowing that we are really exhausted because we had only like few hours of sleep the previous day, she went to buy dinner for us. just because she dont want us to go club/pub with an empty stomach. thats really sweet of her. (:

and so, met up with pc, isaac, carol and tim on sat. chill at hooters, they had alcohol while i had my fruit punch. lol. i love how we actually open up and share about our work and personal life with each other. lets do this sometime soon again. oh, and many thanks to isaac. half or 3/4 of the bill is on him. (: and boy, nothing is impossible aight? though you tried hard to mask your feelings but behind that facade you put on, we can feel the pain in you. well, we will always be there for you when you need us. it will always be just a phone call away or many many mrt stations away. regardless of that, we will still be there for you always. (:

tim, carol, carol's bro and me mos after that while pc and isaac went home after the bouncer bounced isaac out because he was wearing berms. thanks to carol's bro, we get into mos without paying. thanks! and for the ride to that faraway place at odd hours. (: carol! thanks for being there for me, again. i love you. and tim, thanks too.

had a talk with boyfriend that very night. i seemed to open up and finally tell him how i felt all along. it was hard. really. but i glad i did and still do it for the past 9 months and all. cabbed home and slept at 7am.

woke up only at 430pm the next day. had a couple of sms and missed calls. i guess i was really tired cause none of them actually manage to wake me up. hur. went down to meet boyfriend and dinner at kfc with franster and him. i seemed am quiet during dinner. so many thoughts so many mixed feelings so many whys yet i just cant put them in words and voice it out. is this the way a r/s should work out, is this the way we should behave, is this how we must believe and trust each other. there's just so many doubts. 

all i want is just a honest reply from you,
a reply i'd long know,
but i just wanna hear it from you
cause it really matters alot in a r/s,
or maybe its just to me
that it holds great significance.
i hope you really do understand why im doing all these.
yes i know im unhappy about it,
but avoiding it certainly makes it worse, 
you make me feel lousy when you keep things from me,
so please, tell me what i want to know
cause you know what i want to know.
i love you.

i dont seemed to know what i want in my life anymore. where have all my genuine laughters gone too, where are the days where i dont have to worry a single bit and just smile laugh joke and have fun. its all gone cause im no longer what i am in the past. 

bye.

huatlahmak! everything's in chinese in livejournal now. hur. i think its because i keyed the wrong password earlier on and made livejournal thought im a hacker or smt. lol. 

last night's sleep wasnt a good one. i couldnt even remember if i even sleep in the first place. maybe because im feeling hungry or it may be because i have too many to-dos running through my mind. anyways, im glad things are fine between mom and me. we chatted for like 1 whole hour about my work, my life and the things we are gonna do on saturday. heh. ((: not only is she accompanying me to get the formal wear, she's also paying for it. she even asked me if i needed anything else, like heels, bags or skirts etc. on top of that, she asked me to choose a place i wanna lunch at on saturday after the ceremony. i love mom so very much. (: heh. so im heading out with her on thursday after her work. ((: and tuition's cancelled on thursday! wheee!

okays. hereby i wanna announce! 
i'd downloaded msn LIVE messenger in the office desktop. so no more laggy conversation and no more dao kias! hehheh. ((: so if i dont reply you still, that means im busy lah yo. (:

im still deciding what to do on saturday night. so many invites on one particular night. gawd lah. 

pc's finally free for the night like after ssssooooo long, she's asking to meet up with isaac, drey, carolina, mark, tim, ivan, john and other peeps. she's hardly free. damn.

amos rang me up last night and asked to meet up on saturday too. he complained that i didnt make time for him since his enlistment like weeks ago. he asked to mos or zouk. and i guess he's really keen to meeting up cause he even offer to buy drinks. lol. 

and mathew. he had been asking since last week? last last week? to meet up and chill for the night. i pushed back for like many many times till he resorted to asking to meet up for lunch or dinner on weekdays instead. but still, i got work and tuition. and he just had his operation like last night and i din even replied his sms last night cause im trying my best to sleep. bah. i feel bad. urgh. 

eric's enlisting like soon too. i haven meet up with him since he graduated from tp lah. cept that i get to bump into him on streets sometimes, exchanged few sentences and then bye. i feel bad each time he push back his tuitions to meet up with me yet i always cant make it in the end. argh. 

though these invites, still, i will very much want to spend time with boyfriend.
ahh. shall decide again. 

*carolina
im sorry i cant make it for thursday night where i planned earlier on to catch a movie with you. i will still wanna catch it with you. il make time i promise. thanks for the understanding sweets. ((:

*mac
so so so so many thank yous to you for last night. i's sorted out my thinking and very much thanks to you.(: im feeling alot better and happier now.(((:

*yewjin,
boyfriend, please get well soon. you know i so want to see your smiles and grins on friday and i so want to tell you those random craps where each time you will be lost cause you will realise the stuff i talked totally have no link at all, only at the end of the conversation. your reaction is just so cute. and your smile is definately what makes me smile. i love you.

aight. gotta go back to work, or rather, start work. ciao!

life just cant be perfect for me. just when things are going pretty fine for boyfriend and me, mom started her mood swings and its all directed at me. went for tuition after work, then home after tuition, a total of 10 hours of working excluding lunch break and travelling time, totally drain me out of energy. reached home, wanted so much to seek comfort and warmth in the house and yet what awaits me is mom's unhappy expression. 

for the past 19 years, each time she showcase her that expression last night, i knew something or someone must had step on her and pisses her off real bad. i dare not say much, walked in, greeted her and maybe get a reply from her, yes/no i aint sure and straight to my room i walked in. 

ironically, her laughters can be heard from the room. so i ponder on whether its me again thats being too sensitive or is it just me that she's pissed off at. true nuff'. im right. she's pissed at me. i mean its okay, its perfectly fine, if she just need someone to vent her fustration, her anger at because she's facing pressure from work or she's really undergoing a hard period or something and im the one she wants to do it on. im cool with it. cause end of the day, she's my mom and i love her. but it seems as though she's fine and she's just pissed at me over something that i might have or might not have done. 

boyfriend's sick on the other hand but things are all good for us. take many care love!

woke up this morning and i love the air im breathing in early in the day. mom shows me that she's pissed off, still. so a pretty awful morning. get the point? im really lost alright. so after she went to work, i decided to text her and clear whatever its going on but i get no replies. well, i told myself, at least i'd tried. so perhaps she just need time alone, like me. 

big bro msn-ed me and told me nothing's wrong with mom and things are fine before i came home last night. that makes me more certain that its me that she's really pissed off at. damn. i hate when people leave me dangling there. like an ending with no cause. ahhh! damn. she even ask me to go shop for my wear myself on thursday. what's happening. so see shamus, things are so not fine between my mom and me, but i hope things get better for yours.(((: cheerios!

alrights. i gotta go occupy my time cause i'd finished my task for the day and CHEU's asking me to surf net again. lol. okays. on a side note, im eating out for lunch today cause mom decided not to cook. sigh.

get well soon, boyfriend.
and i love you.(: